okay so i didnt go the school yesterday so this is yesterdays and todays diary entry, yesterday i had to go to two appointments with my mom, both my phone died,which was boring, the second one was kinda nice i sat in a nail spa and watched some british cooking show on netflic after my phone died, then the girl who was doing my moms nails started talking to me and she was so nice and pretty fucking jesus christ i hate being a fucking guy AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA its not even funny anymore.

after that i jsut went home played fortnite with parker, i finished the music pass already so now i only have the normal battlepass which if i can complete i can get enough for the next battlepass and maybe buy a song for the festival which i lowkey sucked ASS at at first but now im really super good

also made a spotify playlist cuz i got bored even though i rarely EVER use spotify.

also my phone plan got fucked up same with wifi so i cant text jeremy or parker mid class, keep in mind this happened today not yesterday

and today? well im in third period bored as fucking wondering what id look like as a girl, ive thought about it and maybe i could take like estrogen or something but my moms gonna get pissed off at me...sooo

i wish i were happy as a boy, i wish i were happy at all, i wish i wanted to be masculine so i didnt have to act so feminine and girly and end becoming the epitomy of masculine guys, i hate masculinity, i hate how guys are forced to act this way, fuck everything, i dont even wanna be a feminine girl, i wanna JUST BE A GIRL being a feminine boy might be fun for a while but ive tried before and nothing helps, i just wanna be a girl, and fuck i wish i was born one so i didnt have to comtemplate everything so i didnt have to be transgender just to fucking feel comfortable so i dont end up with a suicide, what kinda bullshit is this for fucks sake.

i dont even wanna cry i just wanna leave my life behind and hope for a better one in which im everything i wanna be

i act like a girl, my emotions are fucking EVERYWHERE like a girl, i suffer the same relationship dynamics, have the same thoughts, mentality, even fucking suffering occasionally just to wanna be happy

i cant tell you how badly i wanna grow breasts, how badly i wish i didnt have this stupid fucking dick that always fucking bothers me, my mind is all over the place already anyway how much can it change? itll make me happier, i promise, i promise i wont regret it, you cant regret it when your so needy to not be insecure that if you dont change you might just die, ill do anything at this point...

fuck everything, i dont wanna be an adult, i hate adults, theyre so over the top and full themselves, they think theyre sooo smart well fuck them, but if theres good thing about being an adult is that you can lock yourself up in your house and nobody will give a shit about you, when i grow up im cutting this stupid dick off, then ill grow breasts...and start to look pretty, for once...

if i can ill start taking estrogen now, i dont give a shit if my mom gets pissed off it feels like i cant handle being a boy anymore...

god my mood swings suck ass what the fuck

a girl who i occasionally talk to whos name is maddy just asked if im okay, is it THAT obvious while im writing this that im fucking having a panic attack yknow what fuck this bye im going to the bathroom